{"id":3381,"date":"2026-10-20T22:51:13","date_gmt":"2026-10-20T22:51:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/orientalplaces.com\/?p=3381"},"modified":"2026-10-20T22:51:13","modified_gmt":"2026-10-20T22:51:13","slug":"escaping-the-closeness-crisis-inside-esther-perel-and-hinges-mission-to-revive-human-connection","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/orientalplaces.com\/?p=3381","title":{"rendered":"Escaping the Closeness Crisis: Inside Esther Perel and Hinge\u2019s Mission to Revive Human Connection"},"content":{"rendered":"

Decades of psychological research have established a fundamental truth about the human condition: we are inherently social animals, biologically wired to be happier and healthier when we are genuinely connected to one another. Yet, as renowned psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel recently asked a packed audience at Hinge\u2019s Heads Up<\/em> conference in New York, society finds itself facing a baffling paradox. "What the hell is going on that we find ourselves increasingly sleepwalking into isolation?" she challenged. <\/p>\n

For a generation that grew up entirely online and spent its formative adolescent and young adult years staggering back toward some semblance of social normalcy in the wake of pandemic-era lockdowns, genuine closeness can frequently feel strangely hard to come by. Modern life offers a peculiar contradiction: most people can instantly message anyone across the globe at any hour of the day or night, and yet many still struggle to find a single friend nearby to help them move apartments or assemble a piece of flat-pack furniture. <\/p>\n

Hinge CEO Jackie Jantos aptly defines this modern cultural phenomenon as the "closeness crisis." Ironically, the conversation took place in New York City\u2014a bustling metropolis where even the sitting mayor famously met his wife on Hinge, proving that romance and community are still forged in the urban landscape, even if the overall social fabric feels frayed. <\/p>\n

To unpack this growing disconnect, Perel joined Jantos and acclaimed poet and podcaster Saeed Jones for a featured panel discussion titled The Attention We Owe Ourselves & Each Other<\/em>. Moderated by Gen Z historian Kahlil Greene, the panel sought to answer a pressing cultural question: Where has all of our collective attention gone, and what will it actually take to redirect that focus back toward one another? <\/p>\n

Setting the tone for the discussion, Saeed Jones painted a vivid picture of the modern information ecosystem. "We live in a cacophony of information," Jones told the attentive room. "We have all of this information and very little wisdom." <\/p>\n

Out of that vital conversation emerged a series of reflections, observations, and actionable insights aimed at helping people navigate modern loneliness, dismantle hyperconnectivity, and rebuild the lost art of human closeness.<\/p>\n

Think of Focus as a Form of Care<\/h2>\n

At the heart of every meaningful human connection is attention. However, much like a muscle in the human body, attention inevitably atrophies when it is left unused or neglected in favor of constant distraction. <\/p>\n

Even Jones, a multi-published author whose career depends on deep concentration, discovered during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic that his attention span had degraded to the point where he could no longer focus long enough to get through a couple of consecutive pages of a book. To combat this digital-age erosion of focus, he devised a personal exercise. He purchased three hourglass timers\u2014calibrated for 15, 30, and 45 minutes\u2014and forced himself to start small. He would read a book until the sand ran completely out of the glass, strictly forbidding himself from taking notes, checking his phone, or looking up unfamiliar words. <\/p>\n

"I was rebuilding my skill of thoughtful attention," Jones explained to the audience. "And if you can do that with a book, you can certainly do that with another person." <\/p>\n

Rebuilding that capacity requires genuine effort and intentionality, but Jones emphasized that the labor is profoundly worth it. It serves as a vital gift that individuals can offer both to themselves and to the people in their lives.<\/p>\n

Let It Be Awkward<\/h2>\n

Encouraging social awkwardness can be a daunting task when speaking to a generation that often appears almost allergic to discomfort\u2014particularly in an era where advanced technology has made avoiding awkward social friction easier than ever before. <\/p>\n

Yet, Esther Perel argues that introducing a little more friction and awkwardness back into daily life might do society a world of good. The process can begin simply by choosing to meet people face-to-face rather than retreating behind the safety of a screen. <\/p>\n

"If you do not come into contact with people, you have no sense of what you are doing to them when you\u2019re hurting them, because they slowly become less people," Perel observed during the panel. "The friction is what allows us to come together with people that we usually would not be in touch with, and think of them as people anyway. And that is where basic respect, for me, starts."<\/p>\n

Have a Regular Spot<\/h2>\n

Building and maintaining community is significantly easier when friends, acquaintances, and potential connections simply know where to find you on a regular basis. <\/p>\n

When Jones first moved to Cambridge, assuming he would only be living there for a temporary one-year stint, a friend of his established a wonderfully simple standing public tradition. Every single Tuesday at 2:00 PM, right between her university classes, she would plant herself at a specific local caf\u00e9, holding space whether anyone from her network showed up to join her or not. <\/p>\n

Jones believes that more people should adopt this philosophy in their own neighborhoods and routines. He suggested picking a familiar park bench or neighborhood spot where people know they can reliably find you every single week\u2014perhaps every Friday at lunchtime. <\/p>\n

"If I\u2019m by myself, I\u2019m going to have a book," Jones noted. Implementing regular, predictable meet-ups signals to the broader community that connection is actively on offer. "You\u2019d be surprised," he added, noting how often people will gravitate toward established anchors of consistency.<\/p>\n

\"We\u2019ve<\/figure>\n

Find Depth in the Details<\/h2>\n

According to Perel, modern loneliness frequently manages to mask itself as hyperconnectivity. People mistake having thousands of digital contacts for having a robust support system. <\/p>\n

"You can have a thousand virtual friends and no one to watch your dog, and it\u2019s less an absence of people and more an absence of depth," Perel explained. <\/p>\n

Part of the underlying issue stems from how generic modern digital communication has become. In a typical messaging app group chat, the exact same generic emoji might be deployed in response to both a joyful wedding announcement and a tragic bereavement. <\/p>\n

"If you just put everything on the same level, you flatten reality," she warned. "You cannot have empathy, because empathy is layered, it is nuanced, it responds to the high specificity of things." <\/p>\n

By cultivating greater specificity in how we communicate and relate to one another, we create the necessary room to invite genuine depth back into our relationships\u2014ensuring that even our pets aren’t left feeling isolated.<\/p>\n

Stop Talking Like HR<\/h2>\n

With modern schedules stretched thin, it comes as little surprise that people have grown fiercely protective of their personal time and emotional energy. "The burdens of the self have never been heavier," Perel noted. In guarding that self so closely, some individuals establish rigid boundaries that inadvertently shut them out of active community living altogether. <\/p>\n

Worryingly, everyday language has followed this corporate drift, borrowing heavily from the vocabulary of human resources and management. People frequently talk about having "bandwidth," carrying a heavy "load," managing personal "assets," or seeking "alignment." <\/p>\n

Drawing on the insights of sociologist Eva Illouz, Perel describes this cultural shift as "emotional capitalism," a mindset that can easily leave individuals feeling less like human beings and more like commodified products. <\/p>\n

"You screen and evaluate before you even explore and discover," she cautioned. To counter this corporate creep into personal lives, Perel suggested pausing to ask a fundamental question: "What is the social practice that you have dropped and would like to pick up again?"<\/p>\n

Make Your Date a Plus-One<\/h2>\n

Somewhere along the path of modern romance, dating culture became entirely siphoned off and isolated from the rest of people’s social lives, Perel argued. The typical modern approach involves leaving your established social world to "go and check something out" on a private date, and then returning empty-handed to report back to your friends afterward. <\/p>\n

Instead, Perel advocates for a more integrated approach. "If you\u2019re going to do an activity, just invite the person to join you, bring them in, and then people around you will have lots of data points," she advised. "If it doesn\u2019t work well, the person doesn\u2019t show up again, and you have a weekend with your friends no matter what." <\/p>\n

While people tend to balk at the suggestion initially, she noted that those who actually try it discover it significantly lowers the romantic stakes and yields a beautiful social return. At the very least, your friends get an interesting story out of the experience.<\/p>\n

Send the Follow-Up Text<\/h2>\n

Acknowledging the considerable effort required to build and maintain human connection, the panel emphasized the importance of pausing to appreciate how good it feels when relationships truly work. <\/p>\n

Following a wonderful dinner with a friend or a deeply thoughtful conversation with a mentor, Jones suggested taking a quiet moment to write down what made the interaction feel special. Perel added that there is immense value in sharing that appreciation with the other person, using a gesture as simple as sending a follow-up text: "Last night was so wonderful\u2026 I\u2019m still laughing about that thing you said." <\/p>\n

Practicing both habits helps individuals curate a mental and emotional index of positive experiences that they can seek to replicate in future interactions. <\/p>\n

"It feels good," Perel concluded, reminding the room of the fundamental purpose behind seeking out community. "And this is what pleasure is about."<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Decades of psychological research have established a fundamental truth about the human condition: we are inherently social animals, biologically wired to be happier and healthier when we are genuinely connected to one another. Yet, as renowned psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel recently asked a packed audience at Hinge\u2019s Heads Up conference in New York, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3380,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[4330,1165,2609,4131,4331,12,4333,1195,223,4334,14,4332,3405,8,13],"class_list":["post-3381","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-oriental-textiles-and-fashion","tag-closeness","tag-connection","tag-crisis","tag-escaping","tag-esther","tag-fashion","tag-hinge","tag-human","tag-inside","tag-mission","tag-oriental-style","tag-perel","tag-revive","tag-silk","tag-textiles"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/orientalplaces.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3381","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/orientalplaces.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/orientalplaces.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/orientalplaces.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/orientalplaces.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3381"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/orientalplaces.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3381\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/orientalplaces.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/3380"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/orientalplaces.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3381"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/orientalplaces.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3381"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/orientalplaces.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3381"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}